I started this blog as a gateway through freedom, not "to" freedom. I have had many challenges in my life and 1 in particular, taking action to get where I want to go. Information is priceless and all the "how to" posts, blogs, articles, countless therapy sessions, late night conversations with friends, journaling ad infinitum just couldn't help me and I didn't know why. Intellectually, I know how to live my life. Get an education, find work, pay my bills on time, save money, have fun, go on vacation, get married, raise a family, go to parties, support those in need, be of service, don't drink and drive, don't steal and the list goes on.
But what happens while we are in the midst of an emotional crisis? We lose ourselves. We make a left at WTF lane and we are transported to the scene in Thelma and Louise and we drive off a cliff. Now what? How do we avoid that lane? Or what can we do (or others do for us) to get to the other side? We ask for help. And what if we can't?
Depression is a debilitating illness and takes lives. It doesn't have any respect or regard for what's good in our lives. I know because I have battled with depression since I was 16.
I've been on and off medication. When I have chosen not to take medication it has plummeted me to the gates of darkness. I am a suicide surviver. Hence the word Freedom tattooed on my wrist just under my scar. I choose to follow a more holistic approach and it works most of the time. I cannot always "just talk to someone". It's more complicated than that. When I appear to be creating "drama" that's my depression speaking. It has it's own voice. I behave like that when it has been triggered and it is difficult to work through it without judgement. Some call me a drama queen behind my back and it's hurtful. You don't know what's happening to me and rather than try and understand I am cut off. People who have feelings like that or behave like "drama creators" don't talk about not wanting to commit suicide. They just do it because they have already been shown that their behavior is being judged and are afraid to explain in fear that it may seem like their behavior is being justified. It's not. I take full responsibility for my behavior. I cope with depression. Sometimes it wins...sometimes it doesn't. I understand more about this topic than I care to. So I extend my experience to anyone who wants to understand so that the next time someone you love committs suicide you won't be shaking your head, "I wish I could have done something."
My blogs will not all be "doom and gloom". It is meant to be a gateway on how to live through a depressive episode not just survive it, how to prevent the severity of it and how to accept and surrender to it. It is also meant to help our loved ones and friends understand what is happening to us and to not give up on us, not give us those pitiful looks of despair and not judge us. We need love, compassion and understanding on a level that is different from everyone else and it's not an endless need. We are not unique. We are people with a condition that can't be explained in words when we're "in it".
Please share my blog with anyone who is suffering or is witnessing the suffering of someone else or may suspect any odd behavior. It may save their life and it may not even need a conversation. Just some random acts of kindness goes a long way. I am not a doctor or trained in any way medically to treat, diagnose or prescribe anything. I am just a human being who has lived through depression, lives with depression and I am happy anyway.
Thank you.
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