Compassionate Witness

Hello there.

As I mentioned in my Introduction, this blog is to help those who suffer from depression and for those who have loved ones who may be suffering from depression to gain an understanding of how debilitating this illness can be and how treatable it is with love, compassion, patience, understanding and sometimes with medication.

When someone is suffering from depression, it's not that easy to just "talk to someone". It's more complex than that. It's not that we aren't willing, depression sometimes steals our voice so we act out our feelings. Sometimes we are hostages of our own isolation, sometimes we lash out at those who have extended their hand to us. We hurt people because we have no control over our emotions and we're scared. That's why some of us isolate. To protect the ones we love from our emotional outbursts.

This is my journey through freedom in the hopes to reach out to anyone who is affected by depression. Please pass these posts along. As a reminder, my posts will not all be about doom and gloom. I have good days and bad days and I hope to share them with you. And they will not always be mini novels. So thank you for your time and patience as I go through my process. Writing is a form of therapy for me. :)

About 4 weeks ago, I was so upset and spiraling into a deep depression. I had been on an anti-anxiety medication before which helped me stay calm and somewhat balanced emotionally to allow me opportunities to take care of myself and work through my stuff. So I decided to try it again.

2 weeks ago, the medication had kicked in and I was able to clean my bathrooms, vacuum 2 rooms, clean the kitchen, do all the laundry (not just my undies) and stock my kitchen. I usually don't eat much when I'm "in it" so I only bought food for my son. (Did I mention that I am a single mom to a very "special" 8 1/2 year old little boy? No, the father is not around, but I do get child support most of the time and I have friends who help me sometimes. More about my son later.) Due to the medication, I can't seem to stop eating! I've invested in a feed bag and I've probably gained about 5 lbs. But, hey, I'm not fat. I'm curvy! lol

Anyway, I was PMSing last week and that just amplified everything that has been going on with me right now. This past Saturday was heartbreaking. I had 2 emotional triggers that would not have bothered me a few months ago. 1 situation I handled so poorly and cut off the only loving friend I had who cared enough to notice I was "missing". 1 I handled pretty well. But that night all I wanted to do was die. I was starting to think of a way and it scared the crap out of me. So I had my son sleep with me. And as he lay next to me, I just cried and I thought, "Who's going to take care of him if I'm gone? How would this affect him?" I just kept whispering that I loved him. I texted 1 person who didn't respond so I became the Compassionate Witness. I remembered what a friend told me recently. She said, "you're not going to kill yourself. I know you're not." She had given me a bracelet for my birthday and to remind me that she loves me and cares about me so I had it right next to me on my nightstand and I wore it the next day to protect me.

I just kept thinking about all the positive things in my life. My beautiful son who chose me to be his mom. My dad who has allowed me and my son to live in his home. My mom who would do just about anything for me. And the next day I had my graduation at my spiritual center. I couldn't miss that! And I have plans for the next few weeks. I can't cancel and I can't flake. That would just be rude. I said some affirmative prayers and made it through the night. I showed up to my graduation and I was so grateful I didn't have to watch it from afar. I treated a friend (the one who gave me the bracelet) and her daughter to lunch and I was ok. When we got home, I spent time with my son by making Christmas cards. Usually I just take him to the drive-in. That way we are spending quality time together without actually having to be present. Not today!

That night, the thoughts raced again, but I rose above as the Compassionate Witness and it wasn't as intense. I went to work the next day and felt pretty good. My mind was busy. Monday I hung out with some friends. That night was a little rough, too, but the intensity of the icky feelings were lifting. I kept meditating and my mantra was just on health. "I am healthy, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and physically." Tuesday night, I stood in front of the mirror and had a good talking to myself and with God. Pointed finger and all. I became the character in Brides Maids. You know, Melissa McCarthy who went over to Annie's house because she was feeling sorry for herself. Great scene.

After that I pulled up my big girl pants, took my medication early and checked out of social media for a few days. I read a chapter from 10 Secrets for Success and Inner Peace by Dr. Wayne Dyer. I also read You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. I went to bed at 10:30 and I woke up fresh, rested and rejuvenated. I did my affirmative prayers. I called a friend and made plans for tonight. I called another friend and made plans for tomorrow. My son has been sleeping with me every since Saturday night and I'm OK with that. I explained to him on Monday that mommy is sick right now and that I need his help by cooperating with me. He's so loving and kind.

They say we live for our children. I never knew what that meant exactly until today and I'm sure it means something different for other parents.

I went to the psychiatrist today and asked him to put me on an anti-depressant. Partly for me,
partly for my son. I know the affects it has on a child when a parent is acting less than loving and kind and present. I don't ever want to hear my son have to tell someone that the reason why he's shy, or he's sensitive, or he has an adverse reaction to a feeling is because his mom used her big girl voice. The psychiatrist commended me on my efforts to self nurture and told me that it sounded like I was pulling myself out of the depression and that this deep depression could have been caused by PMS. He validated my belief that I could take care of myself without medication, but was very supportive when I asked for something. I don't think he believed me the first time when I told him I could pull myself out of it if I could just stay calm. So, I get to stay on the anti-anxiety medication and start with a very low dose of Lexapro. 5 mg for 2 weeks, then up it to 10 mg. It will also help with anxiety, sleep and PMS. Whoo hoo! I'm all for that! AND the medication should not intensify any "icky" feelings that may come up like other anti-depressants can. Whew! I was terrified of that one but glad I don't have to worry about it.

My depression doesn't only affect me, it affects my son. I am all he has and I am all my parents have. I have a lot to live for and I'm not going to allow anything to interfere with my ability to live it. I have parties to go to, friends to spend time with, amends to make, bridges to rebuild and lots and lots of other fun stuff to look forward to.

There is a light at the end of every tunnel and I can show you.

Peace and blessings.

Introduction

Hello and welcome to my blog!

I started this blog as a gateway through freedom, not "to" freedom. I have had many challenges in my life and 1 in particular, taking action to get where I want to go. Information is priceless and all the "how to" posts, blogs, articles, countless therapy sessions, late night conversations with friends, journaling ad infinitum just couldn't help me and I didn't know why. Intellectually, I know how to live my life. Get an education, find work, pay my bills on time, save money, have fun, go on vacation, get married, raise a family, go to parties, support those in need, be of service, don't drink and drive, don't steal and the list goes on.

But what happens while we are in the midst of an emotional crisis? We lose ourselves. We make a left at WTF lane and we are transported to the scene in Thelma and Louise and we drive off a cliff. Now what? How do we avoid that lane? Or what can we do (or others do for us) to get to the other side? We ask for help. And what if we can't?

Depression is a debilitating illness and takes lives. It doesn't have any respect or regard for what's good in our lives. I know because I have battled with depression since I was 16.

 

I've been on and off medication. When I have chosen not to take medication it has plummeted me to the gates of darkness. I am a suicide surviver. Hence the word Freedom tattooed on my wrist just under my scar. I choose to follow a more holistic approach and it works most of the time. I cannot always "just talk to someone". It's more complicated than that. When I appear to be creating "drama" that's my depression speaking. It has it's own voice. I behave like that when it has been triggered and it is difficult to work through it without judgement. Some call me a drama queen behind my back and it's hurtful. You don't know what's happening to me and rather than try and understand I am cut off. People who have feelings like that or behave like "drama creators" don't talk about not wanting to commit suicide. They just do it because they have already been shown that their behavior is being judged and are afraid to explain in fear that it may seem like their behavior is being justified. It's not. I take full responsibility for my behavior. I cope with depression. Sometimes it wins...sometimes it doesn't. I understand more about this topic than I care to. So I extend my experience to anyone who wants to understand so that the next time someone you love committs suicide you won't be shaking your head, "I wish I could have done something."

 

My blogs will not all be "doom and gloom". It is meant to be a gateway on how to live through a depressive episode not just survive it, how to prevent the severity of it and how to accept and surrender to it. It is also meant to help our loved ones and friends understand what is happening to us and to not give up on us, not give us those pitiful looks of despair and not judge us. We need love, compassion and understanding on a level that is different from everyone else and it's not an endless need. We are not unique. We are people with a condition that can't be explained in words when we're "in it". 

 

Please share my blog with anyone who is suffering or is witnessing the suffering of someone else or may suspect any odd behavior. It may save their life and it may not even need a conversation. Just some random acts of kindness goes a long way. I am not a doctor or trained in any way medically to treat, diagnose or prescribe anything. I am just a human being who has lived through depression, lives with depression and I am happy anyway.

 

Thank you.